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Let's see, where to start...well, I suppose at the beginning, and it
all begins with a death...my own.
Perhaps I should explain. My name is Michael MacDonald, and I've held many jobs
in my life, one of which involved being on staff at a drug and alcohol treatment
center. A few years before that…I lived there. I was a drunk, and had checked into
this center (my third one) in December of 1996. When I went into treatment this
time, as in the other two times, I had no intention of becoming sober. I was going
through the motions, making people think I was really trying to improve just to get
them off my back for a while…lying and manipulating again. I had been an alcoholic
for twenty seven years, most of my adult life up to that point, and saw no need to
change things now. I had perfected lying and manipulation to an art form, and was
EXPERT at it, especially in lying to myself.
After I had been at the center for about a month and a half, the real truth caught up
with me one night, and I couldn't handle it. I had spent the last 27 years fighting
wars in hell, where most of the time, the enemy was me. I looked back over the
road that had been my life, and all I saw was garbage. It was strewn with broken
promises, broken dreams, and the ghosts of things that could have been. I had
hurt a lot of people…emotionally, physically…some intentionally...and some were
just unlucky enough to be in the wrong place when I happened to be there. My
demeanor could go from quiet or melancholy to vicious in a heartbeat …whenever
the situation seemed to call for it.
While looking at all this trash that had been my path, I was overcome with grief,
guilt and shame over all the wasted years and my wasted life. I sank into a
depression that was unbearable. Before going to sleep that night, I got on my
knees and prayed to God to take my life, just end it…because I didn’t have the
courage to do it myself. I had prayed many times in the past.... "Oh God, if you’ll get
me out of this mess, I promise I’ll…." But this time I was sincere, the prayer was
real, and I went to sleep feeling sure that I wouldn’t awaken in the morning.
I DID wake up however, and I was overwhelmed by a deep sense of peace and well
being that can hardly be described. It was gone…ALL of it…the guilt, the shame,
the shakes, and the garbage. On that morning, I couldn't remember what it had
been like to be drunk, and to this day, I still can’t. Also, I realized that I finally had
the answer to a question I had been asking all my life...I now knew the difference
between happiness and joy.
The Lord had answered my desperate prayer. He came in the night and took my
life, but then He did something I hadn't even considered...He put it back…cleaned
and blessed, and He had left me a very special gift…He let me know that it was time
to forgive myself.
I had resisted God's way all my life, but I'm certain that while He stood over my bed
that night, He might have said something like; "Here I have a broken man with a
broken spirit. Now I've got something I can work with...he can't fight me anymore."
I know the Lord has a special task or mission for me, as He does for all of us, and
when He's ready, He’ll reveal what it is, and have us in the right place, at precisely
the right time to carry it out.
I come before you now as I kneel before the Father... just as I am. It's been a long
road, and there's still a long way to go, but at least now the way is clear.
all begins with a death...my own.
Perhaps I should explain. My name is Michael MacDonald, and I've held many jobs
in my life, one of which involved being on staff at a drug and alcohol treatment
center. A few years before that…I lived there. I was a drunk, and had checked into
this center (my third one) in December of 1996. When I went into treatment this
time, as in the other two times, I had no intention of becoming sober. I was going
through the motions, making people think I was really trying to improve just to get
them off my back for a while…lying and manipulating again. I had been an alcoholic
for twenty seven years, most of my adult life up to that point, and saw no need to
change things now. I had perfected lying and manipulation to an art form, and was
EXPERT at it, especially in lying to myself.
After I had been at the center for about a month and a half, the real truth caught up
with me one night, and I couldn't handle it. I had spent the last 27 years fighting
wars in hell, where most of the time, the enemy was me. I looked back over the
road that had been my life, and all I saw was garbage. It was strewn with broken
promises, broken dreams, and the ghosts of things that could have been. I had
hurt a lot of people…emotionally, physically…some intentionally...and some were
just unlucky enough to be in the wrong place when I happened to be there. My
demeanor could go from quiet or melancholy to vicious in a heartbeat …whenever
the situation seemed to call for it.
While looking at all this trash that had been my path, I was overcome with grief,
guilt and shame over all the wasted years and my wasted life. I sank into a
depression that was unbearable. Before going to sleep that night, I got on my
knees and prayed to God to take my life, just end it…because I didn’t have the
courage to do it myself. I had prayed many times in the past.... "Oh God, if you’ll get
me out of this mess, I promise I’ll…." But this time I was sincere, the prayer was
real, and I went to sleep feeling sure that I wouldn’t awaken in the morning.
I DID wake up however, and I was overwhelmed by a deep sense of peace and well
being that can hardly be described. It was gone…ALL of it…the guilt, the shame,
the shakes, and the garbage. On that morning, I couldn't remember what it had
been like to be drunk, and to this day, I still can’t. Also, I realized that I finally had
the answer to a question I had been asking all my life...I now knew the difference
between happiness and joy.
The Lord had answered my desperate prayer. He came in the night and took my
life, but then He did something I hadn't even considered...He put it back…cleaned
and blessed, and He had left me a very special gift…He let me know that it was time
to forgive myself.
I had resisted God's way all my life, but I'm certain that while He stood over my bed
that night, He might have said something like; "Here I have a broken man with a
broken spirit. Now I've got something I can work with...he can't fight me anymore."
I know the Lord has a special task or mission for me, as He does for all of us, and
when He's ready, He’ll reveal what it is, and have us in the right place, at precisely
the right time to carry it out.
I come before you now as I kneel before the Father... just as I am. It's been a long
road, and there's still a long way to go, but at least now the way is clear.
About Us
"Have mercy on me, oh God, according to thy lovingkindness:
according to the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my
transgressions" Psalms 51:1
according to the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my
transgressions" Psalms 51:1